Two years ago today, I boarded an airplane and flew across the country to meet my son. It was a day and an experience I'll never forget. The months leading up to the adoption were fast, furious and filled with battles we never could have won if not for God. April 24th 2012, I boarded an airplane and flew by myself to a city I've never been to. God worked out every detail. A dear friend I met via this blog, Christine, lives in that city and she happily offered to pick me up at the airport. I don't know what I would have done without her. I was emotional charged and not thinking clearly enough to navigate a new city and she stepped right in and took me to lunch and then to the hospital.
I will never forget arriving at Phoenix Children's Hospital. We entered the hospital and went to the NICU desk. I explained who I was and a social worker came right out to greet me. She explained that Jacob's birth mother was with him and was waiting for me. We headed down the hall toward Jacob's room. She slid the glass door open and there sobbing in a chair was a beautiful woman and the son she clearly loved. My heart broke knowing the agony of letting go of a child. One look at him and I was instantly in love, but I also fell in love with her, his first mom. She held him and cried and I stood there not knowing what to do.
She stood up and walked over to me and hugged me, still sobbing. We'd talked on the phone many times but this was the first time we'd met. You could see the pain in her eyes and the years of hardship on her face. She was so sweet and just kept thanking me for coming. The nurses were all getting teary and then she handed him to me. It was a sacred moment. I can only imagine how that must have felt. My heart breaks all over just thinking about it. I was SO excited to finally be holding my son yet I was devastated for her loss. Her attorney was there and took her from the NICU to a counseling appointment.
Jacob and I were alone. I held him but he remained rigid. The nurses started coming in to meet me and talk to me about his care. He cried a lot and was difficult to console. He ate well but wasn't too keen on sleep. He preferred not to be held and if he was held, he liked to be held facing out. Considering all he'd been through in the prior months he was doing great but this was all about to challenge me in ways I never imagined. I tend to be an attachment style parent, and this boy was going to take some retraining to get there.
I slept that night at the hospital. I gave Jacob his bath and made his bottles and slept in a chair right next to him. He enjoyed bath time but loathed diaper changes. We got to know each other as best we could under the circumstances. The next morning I got to sit through his occupational and physical therapy sessions, learning what techniques the therapists were using to help console him and relax his rigid muscles.
I got to meet his doctor that afternoon and he was the kindest man. He hugged me and said that Jacob was going to be just fine, that he just needed some TLC. He told me that he would be a challenge but to continually remind myself that none of it was his fault and that he was doing the best he could. We chatted and he gave me lots of tips and asked that I send the occasional photo as the hospital had been his family for the previous three months. He then handed me discharge papers and said, "It's going to be great. You've got this." It took me more than an hour to pack up Jacob's things. He was well loved there at the hospital, stuffed animals, clothes, blankets, toys, all kinds of things the nurses had brought in for him.
When we were discharged, Christine graciously picked us up and took us to her house to wait until Pennsylvania gave the approval for me to bring him home. It was the longest six days ever. Christine's family was wonderful but I just wanted to get my boy and get home. I was NOT cut out for Arizona weather and I was just eager to get into a real routine with this little guy who desperately needed it. I called home crying daily. Christine's boys were a great distraction. They were so great with Jacob and very sweet. Ultimately the heat was getting to me and I was tired and longed for my own bed. My dear friend Alyssa, whom I also met via this blog somehow moved mountains and got herself a flight to Arizona to be with me knowing how homesick I was. We'd talked and sent messages to each other but this would be our first time meeting. A friend from home, Amy offered to get me a hotel room since her husband had some extra Mariott points and she booked us a room and Christine took me to the hotel to be with Alyssa.
I still missed home but I jacked that AC up and Jacob and I crawled into the big bed and took a nap. Alyssa arrived that evening and we ate pizza, bathed my baby in the sink of the hotel and stuck our feet in the hot tub of the hotel pool. The next morning Jacob's birth mom came to the hotel for a visit. We sat out in the courtyard. I cannot explain it but it was like God granted me a grace that only could have come from him because while part of me wanted to just hide in the room with Jacob, the moment I saw her face that all changed. I wanted her to hold him and I wanted her to know I loved her and that I would always tell Jacob about her and how much she loved him. Jacob's biological grandma was there too and it was great for her to get to meet her grandson and also be there for her daughter. It really was a miracle all around.
Adoption is one of the hardest things I've ever done but it was worth every tear and drop of sweat. God carried us and Jacob every step of the way. I will never be able to tell his birth mom in words how grateful I am for that sweet boy. He has come so far. He LOVES to be held and snuggled. He is developing pretty typically and his speech is coming along! It has been a labor...different from a labor of a child you birth but labor nonetheless. Most things worth doing...are hard. Adoption is one of them.
If you are out there and you are riding the roller coaster that is adoption, please hold fast. He is with you. Adoption is costly...it is hard...it is a war like none I have known, but victory is His. Ultimately His plan prevails. Discouragement and doubt do not come from God, they come from the one who wants nothing more than to see God's plan fail. God's plan can't be thwarted...stay the course, these kids are worth it. If you're not riding the adoption roller coaster, maybe you know someone who is, or maybe one day you will. Please take some time and pray about how God would use you to be his hands and feet to children in need. Maybe he is calling you to adopt or maybe he is calling you to help encourage someone who is...he is calling us ALL to do something.
Some Time Away
1 day ago